Grieving is hard, rarely linear, and shows up in the most unexpected ways.
It was my dad’s birthday party. My brothers and I were all there. I did my best to cook some nice food and take care of the cleaning so my dad didn’t have to. My dad had his friends over but it felt a little hollow for me.
And I just… missed her. I just missed my mom.
I’ve always had good teeth.
Not a perfect smile, but perfectly functional teeth. I’ve never had “American White” teeth, but they aren’t heavily stained either.
In high school, I was lucky enough to have some really passionate teachers. They really knew their material because it seemed like they were interested in the material and subject, and found a way to embellish and bring the material to life despite the constraints of the provincial curriculum.
…life isn’t always a clear separation of business, work, personal time, personal interests, friends, and family. They intersect and overlap.
While classroom work became much easier again, sports became problematic: I came to rely on the improved vision I had when wearing my glasses and having to take them off for Taekwondo or school sports started to give me anxiety. I couldn’t see the kicks or punches coming during sparring or the balls thrown at me during the traditional volley, basket, and football sports.
Not going to lie, I was really down for months as I steadily progressed towards this situation. There were some really dark moments where I questioned everything I was doing. Were all these sacrifices really going to be worth it? Would I ever get to that moment where I paid off my credit card? Would I ever know life without debt? Would I ever move forward with my life again?
When I broke up with my ex-husband, I swore I was never going to get married again. I was never going to twist and shape my life around another human being. And I was certainly never going to move to another country for another person again.
I ate my words.
Because I got married again.
With my interest in writing, it probably comes as no surprise that I had a blog as soon as they had been invented. “Weblogs” were one of the first flexes the average, everyday internet user had to begin expressing ideas that were never going to get published in mainstream media.
I didn’t follow the exact steps Dave Ramsey outlined. Instead of creating an emergency fund, I decided to throw all of my money into paying off my credit card.
This was working for a while.
That is… until an emergency occurred.
I started my Gin Journey with the basic Gin & Tonic, and then the Sapphire Mule, and next on the list was a Negroni.
Up until this point, I had never heard of a Negroni. Had no idea what it was. I had to look that up and Wikipedia came to my rescue.
Though the book has been described as a surfing memoir, I would describe it more as a self portrait where surfing was the medium of discovery and expression. William Finnegan captures moments of living as we age that we all can find relatable: experiences of being a misfit and not belonging, the feeling of infinite possibilities as young men and women, the realization that one moment in time will be at the top of our game, and difficult to accept reality that we are getting older and that our bodies will let us down much sooner than our minds will.
We’re coming up to the second anniversary of COVID-19 affecting our world and slowly creeping into year three. In the context of my life now, it seems really strange to look back on some of the goals I had set for myself when I started this list. There clearly was no sign of a pandemic back in 2018.
It wasn’t that I was onto the next chapter of my life when the e-mail came through. It’s hard to describe where my head was at: I was in Canada holding my mom’s hand during her first round of chemo. I mentioned it to her in a passing comment and both of us had left it at that. The excitement of finally being free wasn’t there. The people I thought I would celebrate the transition into my new life didn’t want to come with me, and step by step, more parts of my old life were left behind.
I feel like I need to dedicate a blog post to this subject because it happened. It was a significant chapter in my life and it forever altered the direction of my life. Before, during, and after the relationship ended.
We knew we would miss cooking meals for our guests of recipes that were a part of Rachid’s family. On the other hand we wouldn’t have the stress of repairs to be responsible for after a day at the beach which would give us more time and space to spend with our guests, answer e-mails more promptly, and continue working on our social media marketing and advertising.
I recently relistened to Dave Ramsey’s book “Total Money Makeover” because I remember it being pivotal to how I spent my money after completing University for my nursing degree. At the time I was $40,000 and then some in debt because of student loans despite living at home for most of it.
TL;DR I am super broke now, I need some motivation, and I’m working hard to get my finances sorted out again.
When I look at my goals from 2018, so many of them were not relevant to my life. I just didn’t know it at the time. I was still trying to hold onto my old life. My pre-divorced life. My life of youth and vitality. My life of potential and opportunity. The goals I had set in 2018 were an attempt to recapture a part of my life that I had lost and wasn’t ready to admit to it being changed and gone forever.
I thought I knew what homesickness was when I moved to the U.K. from Canada. But this is a new kind of homesickness I wasn’t prepared for: It’s a weird mix of missing my mom and missing my husband.
I’m questioning my former self because it feels like most of these goals don’t feel relavent anymore. But then, the whole world has changed, and I’ve adapted to it, and so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
If the first half of 2020 was slow to start and almost halted in its tracks, the second half of the year went by at lightening speed.
