Passion Project
I’ve had a complicated relationship with hobbies and creative pursuits.
When I was a kid, I was put into piano lessons and given pencil crayons along with a plethora of crafting supplies. By the time I was 10 I was really into sketching and drawing, and by 12 I was really enthusiastic about creative writing with all my creative works for school twice as long as they needed to be.
But pursuing creative endeavors as a source of income was strongly discouraged by my family. Not in a polite way either. The dialogue would start with me testing the waters like, “It would be really amazing to be a writer for Marvel” or “Wouldn’t it be cool if I was a fantasy writer like JRR Tolkien or Robert Jordan?”. The conversation would swiftly be finished with my parents responding with “Writing is great but there’s no guarantee of an income. You need to be a doctor in order to secure a good income.” or “You can pave the road with starving artists. If you want to struggle the rest of your life by being a writer then you can’t live here. We’ll support you if you want to be a doctor.”
But yet, I still had to practice playing the piano, I was still encouraged to read, especially if it was Sci-Fi or historical non-fiction, and I could still attend extra-curricular art classes.
Did these mixed messages confuse me? Definitely. All the time.
Throughout my high school and University years the “rise and grind” mentality wasn’t prevalent. I could (thankfully) just enjoy my free time as it was or simply focus on studying. It was only after Uni, when I started working full time that I felt the beginnings of “hustle culture”, the pressure to be productive all the time, to optimize my free time, and monetize my hobbies.
Initially, giving in to this pressure took the form of me picking up overtime shifts. It was easily justifiable because I had a sizable student loan to pay off and prioritizing this through working a lot ended up being seen as admirable. But also expected. I was childless, single, and in my 20’s, what else could I possibly be wanting to do outside of work?
There was simultaneous pressure to develop my career immediately. Between becoming a skilled and knowledgeable nurse who worked in a rural setting and pressure to pursue my masters, I ended up signing up to all the courses available and studied in my downtime. Which, if you’re picking up a lot of overtime, doesn’t leave you with much downtime.
I had even people ask me when I was going to pursue my Masters and where I would look into doing my PhD.
What?
It felt like it was selfish and unacceptable to just go to work, come home, then relax and relish in the achievement of a well paying job after 4 years of sacrifices to attain my nursing degree.
Not going to lie, I felt overwhelmed. And these were only the job related pressures, nevermind the social pressures.
Becoming a nurse in Canada also came with a different socio-economic status than I had grown up with, and with it, new societal pressures I hadn’t been accustomed to. I looked around at my peers to see that hair, nails, make up, and clothing brands were of a certain standard. And in a very non-Christiana move, I started putting on makeup for work and trying to do my hair all pretty like as well.
There was pressure to cook, and learn how to cook different things, and make food that would be acceptable for hosting. I mean, what the hell, I was single and didn’t really know anybody: who and what was I supposed to be hosting for?
Running was the en vogue fitness trend at the time. Running and Yoga. Everybody seemed to be getting into it and to prove it, Lululemon and Nike were the status symbols. Training plans were cropping up all over the internet and being printed out. Smart phones all started to put out basic fitness apps with training plans. And you weren’t a legit runner unless you were planning on running at least a half marathon in 6 months time.
All I wanted to do was swim, play video games, go on road trips, and write some books.
Introversion was also not a socially acceptable term in the early 2000’s, so I barely knew how to verbalize my need to recharge. Often when I did I was met with laughter, scorn, and humiliation. I’m young, I should be vibrant, chasing my career and life experiences, not wasting my time on seclusion and artistic pursuits that I could indulge in when I retired.
Retirement was like 45 years away… Was I just supposed to not do any of the things I actually enjoyed for 45 years?
Fifteen years ago, Tumblr was a thing.
Like most things I got into at the time, it was to explore the fandom I was enamored with.
Instead, it ended up being the first platform that was a blackhole of time and energy, getting lost in scrolls and reposts. It was also my first real exposure to picture quotes and lifestyle inspiration (along with some toxic fitspo, but that’s another blog post for another time). The slogans I came across were things like “Rise & Grind”, “The best time was yesterday, the next best time is now.”, and “I wasn’t just meant to work and pay bills.” to name a few.
Going to University, getting a degree, and getting a job in your field was not unusual but getting more difficult at the time, so I feel like this achievement shouldn’t be overlooked. But it was starting to not be enough. This traditional path of success wasn’t enough and while I wanted to revel in just working a lot and spending my hard earned money the way I wanted to for the first time in my life, these alternative ideas did appeal to me in some way.
Around this time I caught wind that more and more people started to make money with blogging. The approach and income really varied, and people weren’t so apt to put out their earnings to prove they were legit, full time bloggers like they do now. I had an acquaintance who admitted to making around $2000 a month blogging. She had even provided our mutual friend a step by step guide on how to start earning money with blogging, but something about it felt off.
The instructions and advice that was given felt inauthentic and it didn’t really fit my life: I wasn’t a mom. I wasn’t a photographer, an artist, a traveler, or a writer. I didn’t have enough time to play video games or watch movies or television series and then blog about them. I certainly didn’t have a lot of start-up capital to buy hosts and domains.
Not only did I have no idea what my niche was supposed to be, I, crucially, didn’t have the confidence to put any part of my life online.
As an aside, even as little as 3 years ago the advice for those seeking a full time income through online platforms was to “niche down”, meaning, get as super specific as possible if you want to capture your ideal client. Now we’re talking about “multi-passionate creatives” or “multi-passionate entrepreneurs” and how to brand all of your interests… (A sign of the times? Post-COVID mentality not to put all your eggs in one basket? Diversify your income??? You don’t say.)
With my interest in writing, it probably comes as no surprise that I had a blog as soon as they had been invented. “Weblogs” were one of the first flexes the average, everyday internet user had to begin expressing ideas that were never going to get published in mainstream media.
In the early days of blogging, I had a LiveJournal, publishing unfiltered personal thoughts and adoration of various fandoms. Looking back, it seemed like it held the social prototype for later social media platforms, having a like, follow, and share option. But that was a playground, a place to test the waters and make mistakes. Eventually I signed up to Blogger with the view of being a serious, professional blogger.
Despite my best intentions, none of my blogging endeavors lasted. Between getting caught up in life, never achieving anything with my blogs, losing motivation, I have deleted all my previous blogs, erased all efforts of being a writer and a blogger.
Maybe my parents were right. Maybe my ex was right too. Maybe blogging is simply a waste of time.
In December 2019, my mom was palliative, had only days to weeks to live, and she asked me one day, “Should I start a blog?”.
It was a question that hit me a little out in left field. It was a question I wished she had asked me years ago, a concept I wish she would have been keen on pursuing even longer ago. I would have 100% supported this interest, and maybe it would have been some common ground for us.
For a split second I thought, “Mom, it’s way too late.”
What a stupid thought: it’s never too late.
Even if you’re palliative.
You have a right to express yourself at whatever stage of life you’re at.
My mom never set one up in the end: spending time with people took precedence over personal pursuits. But I carefully wrote down her thoughts, and it was around that time that I set up this blog. It came together in my mind that life is short, I should do things that I enjoy, and it doesn’t always have to be about money. I am going to die at some point anyway and I won’t be able to take any of the money and wealth with me when I die so why not do something that makes me happy?
When I had my LiveJournal, 101 Things in 1001 Days was gaining popularity and cropping up all over the place. The tags on LJ made it easy for me to explore ideas and create my own list, however, I thought creating a list and posting my progression on Blogger was a better idea. It was more professional looking and I started to refine my writing and blogging style despite my lack of success in completing goals.
Zero success later.
In 2018, I started a 303 Things in 3003 Days list. If it sounds ambitious, it’s because it was. My approach to it, however, was to have a tool to get my life back “on track” or “back together” following my divorce.
Par for the course, I have hardly completed any of my goals. Accomplished nothing, essentially. Sure, how was I supposed to predict that I would be my mom’s carer or live through a pandemic. The realist in me knows and understands that so much has happened in my life and a lot has changed in the last 4 years: my original 2018 list isn't relevant anymore, so I should cut myself some slack. But the perfectionist in me hasn’t been cutting me any slack and has been making me feel ashamed for not accomplishing my goals in the face of adversity.
Last year I had contemplated restarting the timer on my 2018 list, despite still having a few years left. I was looking for a reset, but not a reset to my life, more a reset of my mindset, my focus, and ultimately my goals. Not to sound cheesy, but these 3 things were not in alignment and I constantly felt torn between what I felt like I should be doing, what people felt like I should be doing, and what I really wanted to do.
I’m going to skip a lot of the messy learning and growing that’s happened between 2018 and now. Pretty sure you don’t have that much time and won’t have enough gin in your house to visit all those painful learning moments. But rest assured, it’s been a slow unraveling and discarding of the pressure of what I should be doing with my life and what people expect of me. It’s also a slow process to accept that it’s not my business or problem what people think of me and if they’re disappointed in the path I have chosen to take: afterall, nobody is going to work for me or paying my bills.
The motto I’m slowly adopting is: if you’re not funding my life, or my lifestyle, then your advice and judgment is unsolicited and is the last thing I’ll be worried about.
Even though I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with this blog when I first started, I just knew I wanted to have one again. Right now it’s simply a passion project. I’m not going to worry about paying for ads, refining my SEO, or creating a sales funnel. It will just be a place for me to put my thoughts, connect with people, and if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to throw up an affiliate link or two.
Because life is short, and I want to live it well.
Check out my (mostly) new, updated 303 Things in 3003 Days list here.
