New Year New Blog

It’s not what you think.

I wasn’t waiting for the turn of the decade to create a New Year’s Resolution and start another blog, although I can appreciate the timing is suspicious. If you know me personally, I’ve always had a penchant for goals and lists. I can accept the accusation that this is me feeding some sort of addiction.

The real reason might be difficult to understand, but I’ll put it out there anyway: Starting a new blog has less to do with “New Year, new me.” and more to do with “My mom just died and I’m struggling to find my direction.”

Yes, I’m an adult. I moved out of my parent’s house a decade ago. I’ve had a life completely separate from my mom and dad.

No, I didn’t always have the best relationship with my mother. It was turbulent at times, and it would be fair to say that I moved to the UK to run away from my mom.

September 2018 my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She died 15 months later in December 2019. The day she told me about her diagnosis I dropped everything that I had been holding onto: the resentment, the stubbornness, and the anger, and I just cried.

I’m a nurse.

I knew too much.

And I knew that there wouldn’t be much time left with her.

I made the decision to fly home as often as possible and look after her. My dad was her main carer throughout those 15 months, and my brothers played their part. But I ended up being her main carer for the last two months of her life. It was a hard few months, but I don’t regret this decision. I had made employment and life decisions six months before I got the call that I was needed at home so that I could go home at the drop of a hat. Being my mom’s carer was intentional.

At whatever stage in life my mom was at, she was the driving force behind our family. She bent all of our trajectories towards her. Now that she’s died, I don’t know what to do anymore. I have her voice in the back of my head some days, but I basically have endless options.

I never thought it would feel this overwhelming.

A lot of people have commented on how tired I look these days. It’s true, I’m not sleeping well. The same people are asking to meet up for coffee or a lunch with me but I keep declining or flaking out. It’s also true, I’m withdrawing. More people keep asking me what’s next. So maybe it’s true that I’m not overwhelmed, I’m lost.

Maybe time will help.

Maybe a goal will help.

Maybe a list will help.